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Feb. 10th, 2017

Hi again,

So this time it's been a year and a bit, I think?

I'll admit that I simply forget that you exist. I made this journal 13 years ago, that's a year off the age I was when I made this. That is crazy to me and scares the shit out of me how quickly time goes by.

Social media has changed so much over the years. We're encouraged to write posts no larger than 140 characters because really nobody gives a shit otherwise. But how the fuck am I going to get my rant over in 140 characters?! Come on now.

I think you were the first social media outlet I ever used to express how I was feeling. This website was a god send to me back in the day, fucking revolutionary. It was a place I could express myself where I knew no one from the my real world was looking. Could never say the things I said on here on MySpace or Facebook.

I think I lack outlet now and have began to bottle things up. My therapist said bottling things up is the worst thing I could do with anxiety and that eventually it'll break me if I continue. I think I try to convince myself I feel nothing and in the end that actually works, but it just leaves me permanently feeling nothing.

Traher is such a caring person, always puts peoples feelings before his own and never complains. How the fuck does he do that? I don't give a shit about anyone. Genuinely. I like to think that I do, but I fucking don't. It's not like I only care about myself because I also don't care about that either. I just don't care at all.

I think there's a deep dark feeling inside me that constantly thinks "what's the point?". I honestly hate this existence, this world, this society, this haunting nagging that your life has to pan out in a certain way in order to be comfortable and happy. This world full of creatures that are primarily selfish and destructive in nature. THAT feeling is always, ALWAYS in the back of my mind. It's not as if I'm the only one suffering through it, the entire human race is suffering through it. I don't know how people don't stop thinking about it the way I do. I get we're all different but shit this is one giant existential crisis I'm having that won't go away.

Where the hell do I go from here?
Chums only. Comment if you like, though my LJ isn't that amazing.

x

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